let me blog about her.. :)

since this site isn't that crowded by people i know, i'd choose to blog about the only person who makes my world move forward despite challenges i've encountered just recently. well, considering that i'm only after to expressing the things i feel and not fishing for comments, it'd be better to have all of these words here. :)

it was a sudden stop. there was this moment where i once again felt numb because i was hurt. a pain caused by a mistake i did swallowed me whole and agonize the usual, happy way i was living my life. if i remember right, it'd been months ago since i experienced the dark, excruciating atmosphere of regret, of struggle toward forgiveness, of fear to the world and of anger to the self. i never really thought to recuperate a bit fast since i never intended to. alas then, i felt numb. i suddenly realized that whatever's happening around me makes no sense at all. it dawned on me that it was the same me years ago gripping like a vacuum of despair and pulling me away with this last inch of distance my feet have from the ground, from reality.

it's as if the strange reaped off the best from me that i felt ordinary; like there was nothing new and nothing exciting about how life turns out given every effort and every will i have for change, for improvement and for movement. i didn't expected someone. i didn't even search for anyone to take away all this nonsense, this misery, this unfathomable experience of self-inflicted terror. i didn't think. more so i didn't feel. i didn't move. i didn't move forward until you stepped on my doorstep and said, 'hello'.

the whole second of you coming into my life changed everything. yes, timing is everything and you're all about that timing. if you've already figured out how perfect was this particular moment when you barged in and throw me a look that i'd never have to let go if only i can, you'd probably smile with me and say that serendipity in the 'cheesiest' way it can happen does exist.tsk.tsk. haha. (going back)..well yeah, i shifted the course of my plans and went on to a world new to me. although it was scary at first and not to mention that i was hurting that time, i didn't give a damn on committing mistakes or on putting myself to shame. i needed to learn and i recognized that. i needed some humility and i subjected myself to ways in which i can observe that. i needed to be complacent not in putting up myself but more of in making life worthy of consuming. and so, i sort of give up and give in to the so called 'unfolding'. whatever happens, you just let it be. i would always hold on to the very though that 'experience' can never happen with all things planned. the mere fact that 'experience' exists constitutes the encounter of unplanned events. well, all i can say is the experience of regret and pain was worth everything that happened after. Big Boss doesn't give burdens which are larger than life or heavier than what i'm capable of carrying. :) i firmly believe in this as you came and gave me the best of unknown reasons to be happy.

let me put it this way, i didn't expect you but you showed yourself. it was not supposed to lead this way but we ushered through. i tried clearing up the confusions i have and i struggled, slowing down the turn of events to be sure of what i was feeling but it just so happened that even fate hastens the 'should be' of things. the moment i knew that i love you, i never felt hesitant of doing so. i never gave myself reasons to stop making you feel so. i also never pulled you toward me, what i asked for was to let me do what i want to do. let me feel and justify whatever it is. now, it's too far to comment and compare between the 'before' and the 'after'. :) now, it's all about God's will and us, letting what has been let to happen. :)

let me then blog about you. i couldn't express these things in ordinary conversations, atleast here, all the experiences are put to description, although a bit vague and messy, still every detail of it tells that i'm happy. happy because you made me. i'm indeed the lucky one. i'm God's favorite, i'm saying this with confidence. :)

tata..

arriving from gradient to grayscale.

it's when i've come to realize that life has left me behind with all its fuss that i was preempted to hurry on a bit of hassle and hustle. i didn't really expect to get concerned this much with how things are going on around me until i felt that i needed to do something of great responsibility and conviction.

at this very point, i'm more or less wasted by the urgency of the situation. it's not that i don't have any choice or that i'm forced to mature to this level, it's just that when fate offered me two options which are to do nothing or to do anything it takes to reach maximum complacency, i went for maximum complacency of course.

i know it's gonna be rough especially that this new world im entering won't really entertain me in the way fun and leisure used to hang out with me, but im pretty much sure of the ends im going at. means are means and i think utilizing time, effort, energy and skill will get me where i want to be. such place may be of long-term proportions; however, as i promised myself with the one thing i need to finish, i'll certainly go back to what i know is most rewarding and most treasurable. i indeed am fixed with this idea that what's happening now is what i need to seize and at the same time, what i need to let be.

there are unexplainable mishaps in the course of reality. blame or regret can never push me to throwing my life beyond the horizons of giving up and misery. it's all in the mind. it's all in faith. it's all in confidence. it's all in actualization. it's all realization.

the gradient may vary. the slope descends and ascends, yet one things' for sure, between the black and white, there's this dimension called the grayscale, where everything's at a certain balance. this is my grayscale-inclined life, i deem to balance it as soon as possible.