thoughts and time pricking through

sometimes im too sober. sometimes im too sad. sometimes im too scared.

its when i get to be bored and idle that i become aware of the obvious, excruciating madness im soaked with ever since the day i chose laziness above everything else. im sane for most of my time, but im insane in between every second the clock presses on reality. its good to drink and smile at the world like heaven is just waiting for the right time to manifest itself from the skies. being drunk isn't an escape from the baggage of earthly corruption, its just a fun way to break free and exhaust freedom up to its very last ounce. sometimes im too sober that im more forgetful being straight-thinking than being under the influence of alcohol. alcohol just tends to freeze the memory until a hang-over cracks out painfully in the morning while soberness piles all memories into one jump-packed fruit basket that overloads too instantly. the next thing to happen is oblivion and a few of the happy things just gets retained.

sad to say that i've been feeling heavy for the past two days. a swollen gravity of stress, restlessness and blankness clouds my entire mood everytime the sun sets and evening falls. it's just so strange why and im also too conscious about thinking that i might be releasing the desire my body has to pamper the ever spoiled child in me when there's no need to do so. im lacking confidence, motivation and resolution to top it all up. sometimes i just dont know what to do. sometimes im just too sad to figure things out with a positive attitude. the peculiarity of moments speak a lot of overcrowding and shouting in my system; i only dont know where to locate these impaired temperaments in this metropolis-like capsule my soul dwells within.

11:21pm in my pc's clock and im not ready to let go of myself to sleep. im still thinking and thinking and thinking because my mind tells me that this night doesnt have room for shutting down.

now im more aware.

now im more conscious.

now i know that when im sober and sad, i get to be scared.

im scared of a lot of things indeed. im a coward. im a chicken. im a child most of the time when im frightened.

im just too scared to fail when i have nothing really to lose. im just too scared too witness happiness that's not mine. im just too scared of losing hope and getting tired of trying. im just too scared of falling apart again. im just too scared of losing my sanity to my insanity and im also too scared of losing my insanity from my sanity.

above all things im scared about, im just too scared of losing her. it creeps within me and i cant think of the one day i get to find myself searching for a comfort zone i might never win back.

and lastly, beyond such fear i've made mention above, im still too scared of another thing..

im too scared of hurting her and making her feel differently one day.

im not at all complacent on my part, i'll continue to be scared because this is where i get hope and courage to move forward. i can stay positive even if i were scared of many things. many things such as the thoughts i have above will win me not only assurances but a trustworthy conviction to lay everything in the proper order.

stay positive like everything's gonna break apart for the better :))