Note #4 (fb)

made out of the blue:

Lost Soul

There was once a man living out of the worldly chances that come in random. He was nothing but a happy-go-lucky person who neither wished to have this grand entrance to heaven or worse yet, be burned in the flames of hell. He was an apathetic chamber of all unexpected stuff and a careless piece of shit for the people who look at him from a distance. In short, he was just but lower than ordinary, more abhorred than disgusted and better messed around than looked down.

It was his actual choice to live a life of misery after being brought up bent by his family. He felt as if he’s all about negativity sucking anything positive that comes round him. He totally was convinced that there’s nothing else in putting up the self but mere luck and that making oneself great to others is just a great great waste of time. He’s pretty much close to getting what he wants which is to tell the whole world that he’s better off alone than social, better off raising a dirty finger than a peace sign and better off pulling a gun’s trigger than waving a white flag. Well, life’s a mess and shit happens ALL THE TIME so why give a damn on things that flatter the rest of the world in foolishness.

Such was Nicolas in person. A man overflowing with crap but still has something to brag about wit, about guts and about what he has to offer as compared to the rest of profanity and ridicule offered by this wasted earth. Nicolas, the catalyst of unchange and unbelief, then meets the person he got interested in talking with so much.

It was Luci that he encountered in an alley one night. Luci introduced himself to Nicolas and told him that he’s the source of light which can change everything in favor of Nicolas’ needs and wants. Nicolas, being humorously intrigued but never gullibly convinced, responded in a funny way by saying, “So who are you? God?” and followed up mentioning, “Or Satan?” and still uttered, “Oh now this is better, you may be my conscience?!” and then, laughed loudly. Luci just smiled. He continued talking about trading important valuables with Nicolas and promised him that he’ll be substantially rewarded by whatever Luci is gonna give him in exhange of something he has. So Nicolas asked, “What am I suppose to give you now if you actually won’t like anything I have for this trade?” and he was to continue walking out of the alley when Luci said, “Exchange your soul for immortality.” Nicolas then felt this chill coming from the very pores of his bones and diffusing out of his skin. Luci ushered in talking, “You don’t care about heaven or hell’s existence right? And I know you’re bound proving the world that you can outdestine whatever shit happens to you; so why not outlive everything in existence. Now, pretty much interested?” and Luci looked straight into the eyes of Nicolas expecting for his agreeing answer. Nicolas turned at him, “You can do that?” and outstretched his hands side by side saying, “Take my soul and make me immortal!” With this, Luci laughed and laughed until he vanished in the sight of Nicolas. The night went on and Nicolas was just grinning with the thought that the liquor he took with gluttony made him see bizarre hallucinations.

He woke up the next day feeling new and fresh. It was the first morning that seemed to motivate him to smile at his face in the mirror. He went to his work and everything was usual. Afternoon came and as he was crossing the street, he didn’t notice a truck overtaking the car that stopped to give him way. He was rushed to the hospital by civilians who saw the tragic accident. When he opened his eyes after two days of unconscious sleep, he saw the face of his doctor curiously staring at him. Nicolas asked in a rough voice, “Am I actually alive?” and tried feeling his head with plasters. The doctor explained to him that he’s supposed to be dead after what had happened, but miraculously and unbelievably he’s skull was still intact and there was no loss of substantial blood despite the bloody scene witnessed by the people who brought him to the hospital. Nicolas was perplexed by the main idea of surviving a fatal accident like this and what he can only think about was the mere picture of him jokingly agreeing to barter his soul with the devil in exchange for immortality.

Days passed, months went by and even years felt like minutes on rush to Nicolas. He was able to visit a number of doctors just to check if the initial findings from the accident was really credible and precise. Specialists uttered the same phrases such as, “You are fine.” “Not a problem seen in your system” and “You are very much healthy mister” and these lines gave him this creepy atmosphere of being convinced that he’s actually immortal. He felt scared but as the person he was, he still managed to smile and he treated life as if nothing can be so much of a big deal as being immortal.

No ailments for 3 consecutive years of drinking, smoking and having fun. No side effects from multiple medicines he was advised to take. Not a sign of ageing too as he already reached his 25th birthday. Not a loss of energy on work, on outdoor activities and on night outs which were all scheduled every week in his planner. To all of these, Nicolas didn’t give a fuss about. He was pretty well occupied with doing things in the most careless way possible without anything stopping him.

Winter came and Nicolas stayed at home just to enjoy the vacation. He stared at the fireplace and saw cinders floating and glowing. He was reminded of his childhood. He has this vivid image of him being fond of staying near the fireplace to stay warm and of observing the cinders which make him smile for no known reason. It was at this moment that he realized that he cannot feel anymore. It dawned to him that he no longer knows how to appreciate things and that he cannot recognize anymore any emotion available to whatever is human to humanity. This was his worst night for it was like useless not to notice the unworthy change from being human to being just an empty body that was certainly concealed in the short-term caprices of reality. Nicolas now knew that aside from being immortal, he is as well incapable of feeling, of entertaining emotions and of seeing through other people.

Soulless and lifeless, Nicolas surrendered everything to the routinary ways he was accustomed to. The cycle was excruciating and far more debilitating than being able to feel suffering in what can be called human condition. Nicolas was hopeless and was in the verge of forgetting things still worth fighting for until he met this lady named Anne.

Anne was the innocent-type whose positive about life and anything that might happen to it, whether not-so-bad things or not-really-bad things as she puts them in her own words. Anne met Nicolas in a subway station when both of them actually got stuck in the last train ride going downtown. They were able exchange a couple of phone calls after such incident but all these talked about professional and work-related stuff as both them were working as business associates in two sister-firms situated in New York. Nicolas interests Anne with his personality as Anne amazes him with her charm and simplicity. Both got along well and it was easy for them to get closer as months went by.

They oftentimes stroll around the park. They also are fond of watching movies together. To couple their friendship with a bit of something sweet, they actually decided to have one special day of just looking at the sunset on Anne’s favorite site which was her rooftop. It was one of these sunset-marked days that Anne began asking about how Nicolas feels about life and about the two of them. Nicolas just stared at her blankly for he never really understood things on the sense of feeling. What he just knew is that Anne was his one and only company that made his curse of living a solitary life repel from his very own system. Nicolas explained to Anne that he’s literally an insensitive person and that he doesn’t know what it is like to feel. Nicolas opened to her that he’s pretty much curious about tears and about laughter when people experience multitudes of phenomena that trigger emotions to surface. Anne sensed that he was willing to learn about feeling and so she gave him a very simple example. Anne first said, “Have you ever by just a chance drawn your attention to your fireplace during winter?” Nicolas replied, “Yes.” “What do you observe then?” Anne questioned. “I see cinders glowing and rising” Nicolas answered. “Other than that? Nothing more?” Anne asked as a follow up. Nicolas then said, “Nothing more.” Anne, seeing the curiosity in Nicolas’ eyes regarding her question, then started explaining to him, “You see, your eyes are pretty much fixed with the cinders that glow and rise above the flames in your fireplace. I can say that you’re not too much keen in seeing that there are actually moths that crawl on the bricks that make up the fireplace and sometimes hover around the fire. These moths most of the time hover in pairs.” Nicolas uttered, “What about the moths?” Anne insisted, “Just let me finish okay?!” and glanced at him with a look very serious. After pausing for a couple of seconds, she continued, “Pairs are composed of always two in number right?!” Nicolas answered, “Right.” “I’m telling you that being in a pair or recognizing a kind of number which is two is a feeling.” Anne stated. “Ha?! What do you mean? Two is a number; it’s an abstract thing and you cannot put it as a feeling much like saying that being in a pair is a feeling.” Nicolas argued. Anne further intrigued Nicolas with a couple of questioning, “When a pair of moths hovers around the flames and one of them gets consumed in the flames, what’s left? How many are left?” Nicolas directly answered, “What’s left is one of them. One is left.” “And that concept of one-being-left pretty much equates to being alone right? And I’m telling you now that being alone is a feeling.” Anne finally finished his example with such line and repeated, “Being alone is a feeling Nicolas.” Nicolas was struck with these words that came from Anne’s example. He actually understood that there’s this difference between an individual who’s alone and an individual who has company. He then realized that the meaning of the example was meant to enlighten him with the fact that he was before “one”, an individual who’s alone and who has no company at all, and that he can be considered as an individual who has company now for he has Anne now. Anne said in a sweet tone, “You know, focusing on the cinders is much like seeing reality lifeless; you see cinders rising and glowing but they are but non-living spectacles of the flames. Try seeing moths hovering and moths losing partners in their journey of going through the fire for it is in these sights that you’ll be able to see what suffering means, what being alone means and how losing someone feels.” Nicolas, staring at the night sky for it was already dark, started to feel a certain spark of pain trying to burst out of his chest. Tears rolled down from his eyes and with no words to explain how this had happened to him he embraced Anne for being so thankful of this hurt he’s experiencing now. A hurt which he longed for in the many years that passed surfaced in this much unexpected moment. A hurt that was meant to strip him naked of his regrets and suffering finally gets liberated by this person he considers his only friend, his only partner and his only company. A hurt that little by little relieves him of the numbness and blankness that reigned in himself before makes him hope at last. A hurt which never really made sad tears to fall, for it was like crying in the highest form of gaiety to be able to feel happiness out of sadness this true.

Nicolas, after bidding farewell to Anne, headed home with a lighter perspective on things to happen next. He slept knowing that everything will turn out great as he has seemed to regain a bit of his humanity from what happened at such night. He woke up the following day late and he checked his cellphone for any new messages. He found 14 new messages and all of which were from this unknown number explaining that Anne was rushed to her doctor just this morning because of a seizure caused by neural damage on a locality in her brain. He instantly got a cab and went straight to the hospital indicated in the message. He found Anne’s room and he talked to her doctor who was supervising the installation of machines that will help Anne to cope with her breathing discomforts and of another apparatus to monitor her vital signs. The doctor directly explained to Nicolas that Anne was in a critical condition that may either result to a coma or worst, to death. Nicolas cannot accept these facts. Nicolas was lost in realizing that things can actually be taken away in a mere snap of reality. He is incapable of doing anything; he cried and begged the heavens to give him another chance. It was late afternoon when he went out of the hospital to have a cup of coffee in a nearby 24-hour resto. There, he sat and considered every sip as bitter as his loss of Anne.

When Nicolas was about to leave, a lady in white approached his table and ordered him to stay for just a few minutes so that they can talk for awhile. Nicolas intended to ignore the woman until she uttered, “I know you’re in great pain. I know that your loved one is hours away from being ushered toward the skies. I know you Nicolas, the one who traded his soul with a devil for immortality.” Nicolas already was flaming in regret when he said, “It was the worst kind of evil that I have ever did and I know now that I’m paying the price of my foolishness. Whoever you are, just leave me alone.” The lady then said, “I can help you retrieve your soul.” Nicolas replied, “What will that help me for? It’s no use. I once was insensitive because of this immortality but I have learned to feel once again and to just add to that, feeling now is certainly one useless piece of shit since I am bound to lose her any sooner or later.” “Nicolas. Nicolas. Nicolas. It’s seems that you are but feeling and not thinking.” the lady concluded and she continued, “I am sent by God to help you. I am Raziel, an angel missioned to negotiate with Luci for your soul to be retrieved.” Nicolas then asked, “Why are you going to retrieve my soul? Will that make any difference? Why just extend Anne’s life? I know you can do that!” Raziel, the angel, explained finally how everything is gonna work, “You see Nicolas, we cannot do anything about Anne dying. It’s her fate and her life ends here. What we can do, as God has willed, is to retrieve your soul and that’s it; for without a soul you will remain here on earth and you are not to see Anne ever again for your earthly immortality is just bound here in the premises of this world. Without a soul, you cannot transcend to the heavens. So to put it short, we will be retrieving your soul so that you can be mortal again and as a mortal, you can die. Dying would then allow you to undergo transcendence and such will provide an opportunity for you to see her again.” Nicolas sighed and finally agreed, “Okay. I can no longer doubt if this is true or not. The only important thing for me is her and that’s it. Please deliver me my soul when you get back.” “As God has willed, I’d be doing such”, Raziel assured him confidently.

The negotiation between Luci and Raziel went easy. Raziel, upon arriving at the gates of hell, was greeted by Luci for he recognized that she was an angel carrying a message from above. Luci then questioned, “What are you here for?” Raziel handed him a scroll containing a list of terms of agreement which Luci didn’t understand. So upon his impatience to read everything Luci again asked, “What agreement are you talking about?” Raziel laid down the agreement in plain words, “God sent me to tell you that we are taking Nicolas’ soul back.” Luci smiled and said, “And what good is an agreement if only one party is satisfied? So what price should I have for doing that? Raziel stated, “God actually didn’t think of that yet, but I can think of one price; have me in exchange of Nicolas’ soul.” The trade was very much interesting and daring for Luci so he said, “I like that. Perhaps how will Nicolas’ soul be delivered to him if from now you’ll be staying here with me for eternity?” Raziel in a humorous tone said, “Oh I’ll deliver first his soul to him and I’ll get back here and be with you for the rest of eternity! Would that be fine my dear Luci?” Luci was in doubt and before he can say a word, Raziel directed him to the 14th item in the terms of agreement list and it was stipulated there, “No doubts shall be casted after the two parties have already agreed on their trade. Whatever means to achieve the trade shall be done despite objections to the concession for that which is important are the ends of the trade and not the means.” Luci fumingly gets forced to hand Raziel Nicolas’ soul encapsulated in a small glass orb which he got from his pocket. Raziel then left Luci’s dominion with a smile on her face; and so, Luci actually knew that everything was a trick to make him agree to that very daring trade that intelligent angel proposed. Luci was as foolish as the many times he fell for agreements that never really made him win for it was always God who outwits him in every possibility there is.

Raziel gave Nicolas his soul. Nicolas was thankful to her and to God for such a blessing that granted his prayer of another chance to be with Anne. Raziel was almost teary-eyed leaving Nicolas. Raziel was Nicolas’ guardian angel and she never really left Nicolas in his darkest hours. She was the most sacrificing angel to actually beg God to retrieve the soul of the one person she guards in exchange of her being angel. Raziel is now a mortal as Nicolas gets his soul back.

Nicolas went back to the hospital and watched Anne asleep. He’s thinking of her in pain and he just can’t help but cry and hope that she gets over all of this. Sunrise came and Anne’s vital signs went down. The doctor finally declared Anne as dead. The findings was that her brain didn’t make it in sustaining the function of all of the organs in her body. Nicolas tried to pull himself together and he was crushed feeling this great pain of losing Anne. This feeling will always remind him of her for she was the one who taught him of how to feel again. Nicolas then decided to accept and lay everything down to God. He’s not gonna rush things. He knows that in the afterlife he’ll be seeing Anne once again and that it is there where they’ll be happy for eternity.

If there’s another thing that Nicolas learned from Anne, it was to focus the senses on things that are truly and really alive for there’s no point of wasting time being lifeless. That’s why Nicolas now sets forth on a journey finding the greater meaning of that which is to live and of that which is to have company.