looking back. moving on.

by now, problems seem to be equal or more than the size of my world. it's a leap of faith to stand by the chances that come along, fighting for many things although not knowing where to end up and what stakes might be lost. now, it's all about seeing through risks. seeing that rewards may not be in the form of triumphs or achievements, but just being aware that there are some things i can win without holding them too much to myself and through setting them free as if they were never really mine. it's the care and love i have for these things that let me accept their identity as chances, as possibilities, not as battles to seize, never as trophies to possess.

looking back, i would always point to my experiences as a small child. as a 6 yr old boy, i was innocent, simple and frank. i do what i wanted doing often, i played, i ate my favorite food and i crave for childly luxuries such as toys, ice cream and many more. things were all as simple as they appeared back then. being this kid, my problems would either be a result of my foolishness, natural tantrums im fond of entertaining or parenting measures i dont really like. it was just plain as an everyday cycle of not understanding that my attitude was fairly unreasonable and compulsive. i do enjoyed being a kid though. my tears were not that rare, they can be persuaded by a simple wound i get from playing, by a favor not granted, by a request not listened to or by a thing lost and not found. it's funny to think about getting over crying in a minute or two just because there's this candy offered or there's this trip to the amusement park set the next day.

growing in an elementary school that welcomed me with pride, i learned how to go beyond the academic stuff. it felt great to be with other children who are free and wild. the atmosphere in our school was always lively and a pupil's day back then would never run out of excitement. i often spent the whole day making fun of everything i see and i end the day dirty, sweaty and happy. i can also remember how i become mature with treating wounds. as a 10 year old boy, it was the time for me to look at a wound with courage, recognizing the pain it has within, but overcoming the feeling of fear that it might hurt a little more. such was also the thing as to how i dealt with a bit of serious dilemma. fights were common and i would always become guilty being involved in a fight. although the guilt was actually there, i didnt mind telling my parents about fights or troubles in school. they're just too overprotective to absorb the idea of how a 4th grader enjoys life as one big adventure. it also came to a point when i didnt pull too much of a big deal from problems i had. it was like every problem soon passes and i need not plan solving it. thinking that it's always the case with problems, i do enjoyed the freedom of not caring at all.

it's all about the experiences and the realizations that im owing to my highschool life a big ounce of gratitude. i dont know about others but i really enjoyed almost the 3/4 of my 4years in hs. it's like i'd always try to turn my head back for historical guidance that only back in those years i can get. i think in summary, hs was friendship, love, independence and luck. friendship was the most priceless thing i cannot deny of having with my hs friends. they're all the best pals one lucky fellow like me could ever have. they're the most supportive group an unfortunate and lonesome individual could ever dream of. most especially, they're what sacrifice and true care speak of. my hs friends did create a big part of my personality, which is why im thankful for having them around during both times of laughter and misery. i wont be who i am now if they weren't them as well. love is a different and separate thing though as far as hs and friendships are concerned. im sure that love was another dimension i value except for the fact of having so close peers at that time. it was me venturing so carelessly and innocently to what can be called a pandemonium of instances. the only thing i remember is that i was willing to give love and be loved as well, but the case was, love and me weren't that close. i was a stranger, a new acquaintance for the this thing called romance; and so, i failed, dragged myself to situations i never wanted to be in and i screwed up fighting for what i felt. well, i regarded everything as a part of life although i was badly hurt. i think these were times where i get most of the meaningful realizations i had in hs. the realizations were all about pain, all about failure, all about giving in and giving up. in the end, it taught me to take good care of myself in a not so reasonable and defensive way. i became independent as a result of many things i disgust and label as unhealthy for myself. well to top it off, i was lucky to achieve a couple of awards and recognitions despite being bombarded with a shitload of dilemma. when i think about it from this time, i cant help but smile and be proud that i am who i am now.

college life is a lot more different and way too serious as compared to all of the paragraphs before this. this is the course of time where im feeling a bit uneasy about overcoming challenges that seem to be so difficult to face. it's now that i've just realized how wasteful i am in both time and effort. it's just now that i've come to recognize my mistakes and my weaknesses as a person. it's also now that i've been aware that it's already about time to change and initiate a complete overhaul within the system i am operating. thus far, i think im in a pace of improvement, although a bit slow.

well, in writing this blog, i only mean of one thing, i just see myself moving on. moving on toward a greater disposition. moving on to take higher grounds of maturity and conviction. moving on to hold on to more meaningful stakes of chances. moving on to take on possibilities without regret. lastly, moving on for the things im clear of seeing as right and worth the fight.

i'd always try to look back, but i'd never be stuck because im moving on; whether slow or a bit in a hurry, i move on because i have things to arrive at and things to still continue. im moving on because i have what my heart deserves, plainly, i have you to move on.