think straight or think bent

there's a very thin line separating sanity and insanity..

either one or the other can tell if someone thinks straight or not..

for an individual who smiles momentarily and laughs out loud, who knows where the joy can be coming? the lightness maybe of genuine happiness, a normal feeling of every person..while it could also be disillusionment, a fluctuating euphoric excitement that goes by a snap..

for somebody who cries silently and frowns in grief, there can always be two sides..the emptiness might have come from clinical depression, diagnosed to be critical in a mental state..but on the other hand, it could've just been natural sadness, the teary outlet of the heavy-hearted..

and for the one who exhibits no emotion at all, maybe the neutrality is simply brought by the weather..a sudden change of mood that compels no human reaction at all..or worst, it could be catatonia, the restless, schizophrenic attitude opposite to sensitive exhaustion..

either of which, by any chance for every case, the contrast is further lost..

and so, there's this very huge probability that the person you're talking to right now is the plain, unconscious, disturbed individual, going in a trance from being delusional, to catatonic, and then to getting depressed..while you still mistake him to be the normal, conversational person he is..

meantime, the one locked up inside the quarters continues to act ill, 'cause although sanity can be proven, it creeps to know that the more a patient insists to be sane, as he really is, the more he looks insane in the eyes of the labeling many..

it's funny to think that we sane people act crazy sometimes just to escape reality for awhile..and at some point, this attitude of letting loose becomes a leeway for our own psychiatric disorders to be disguised as intentional misbehavings..

this is why it's too early and too risky to judge one by mere looks in an isolated instance..

i don't even know who's writing this blog.. :)

thoughts and time pricking through

sometimes im too sober. sometimes im too sad. sometimes im too scared.

its when i get to be bored and idle that i become aware of the obvious, excruciating madness im soaked with ever since the day i chose laziness above everything else. im sane for most of my time, but im insane in between every second the clock presses on reality. its good to drink and smile at the world like heaven is just waiting for the right time to manifest itself from the skies. being drunk isn't an escape from the baggage of earthly corruption, its just a fun way to break free and exhaust freedom up to its very last ounce. sometimes im too sober that im more forgetful being straight-thinking than being under the influence of alcohol. alcohol just tends to freeze the memory until a hang-over cracks out painfully in the morning while soberness piles all memories into one jump-packed fruit basket that overloads too instantly. the next thing to happen is oblivion and a few of the happy things just gets retained.

sad to say that i've been feeling heavy for the past two days. a swollen gravity of stress, restlessness and blankness clouds my entire mood everytime the sun sets and evening falls. it's just so strange why and im also too conscious about thinking that i might be releasing the desire my body has to pamper the ever spoiled child in me when there's no need to do so. im lacking confidence, motivation and resolution to top it all up. sometimes i just dont know what to do. sometimes im just too sad to figure things out with a positive attitude. the peculiarity of moments speak a lot of overcrowding and shouting in my system; i only dont know where to locate these impaired temperaments in this metropolis-like capsule my soul dwells within.

11:21pm in my pc's clock and im not ready to let go of myself to sleep. im still thinking and thinking and thinking because my mind tells me that this night doesnt have room for shutting down.

now im more aware.

now im more conscious.

now i know that when im sober and sad, i get to be scared.

im scared of a lot of things indeed. im a coward. im a chicken. im a child most of the time when im frightened.

im just too scared to fail when i have nothing really to lose. im just too scared too witness happiness that's not mine. im just too scared of losing hope and getting tired of trying. im just too scared of falling apart again. im just too scared of losing my sanity to my insanity and im also too scared of losing my insanity from my sanity.

above all things im scared about, im just too scared of losing her. it creeps within me and i cant think of the one day i get to find myself searching for a comfort zone i might never win back.

and lastly, beyond such fear i've made mention above, im still too scared of another thing..

im too scared of hurting her and making her feel differently one day.

im not at all complacent on my part, i'll continue to be scared because this is where i get hope and courage to move forward. i can stay positive even if i were scared of many things. many things such as the thoughts i have above will win me not only assurances but a trustworthy conviction to lay everything in the proper order.

stay positive like everything's gonna break apart for the better :))

lacking divinities..

i just came from our rooftop and witnessed a great great lightning scene from the heavens awhile ago..and before being called by my dad to come down and prepare the food i'll be having for dinner, i've already decided to put my thoughts to blogging..

well, it's just nice to have a place like our rooftop where i can ponder upon things and leave all the baggage i'm carrying behind.. sometimes it does help to raise everything to the ground and just look up to see the skies complete with emotion and commotion while the beauty of the clouds, the moon, the stars and all other heavenly spectacles do not disrupt the peace of mind the ambiance of the night brings me..

for some reason i came thinking about how my life's going on right now..i mean, the feeling i'm having is actually of content despite the many problematic instances i've encountered a week or several days ago..the circumstances were all sprouting from false decisions i've made and i do admit that i was foolish for being so impulsive about hastening the process of solving things in a very uncertain and rushed way..i cannot say that it'll be all charge to experience because certainly i've wasted so much..time, effort, resources and a lot of chance to improve myself in my academic life..i do say 'shit happens' always, but for now, i think i'll be saying that 'shit happens if i happen to make shit and not clean it up after'.. at some point i can say that i've been exhausted from being immature and indecisive..and to some extent, i regret and continuously regret those recently concluded episodes of personal decisions i've made..i've been selfish and prideful and i never really did put into discernment the actions that i was so eager to take..
to reflect totally about these, i've been mediocre..and i'm still not moving this very instant to correct the things that need to be corrected..

I'M LACKING DIVINITIES THAT'S WHY I'M NOT ABLE TO PROCESS THINGS EFFICIENTLY..

the statement is quite a conclusion i've just made..i hope i'm right about it..

i do want to push forth motion..i want to move forward..i want to take responsibility for all the things i've done..i want to change badly..i want to be better..

and i need to start somewhere..because i know that i cannot just be complacent with the things i have right now..and apparently, i need to work for the permanence of the blessings i'm having..

no guarantees, everything will be fatal..but i do have the hold in making chances possible..and so i have to do the things needed to be done..most especially that i'm holding very precious values at this present and i cannot afford to lose them just because of foolishness, irresponsibility or mediocrity..

i'm lacking divinities, that's why i'll be looking at the skies again and ask for the heavens to shower me the spirits that'll make me move forward..:))

i trust my intuitions and i know i can do right this time.

let me blog about her.. :)

since this site isn't that crowded by people i know, i'd choose to blog about the only person who makes my world move forward despite challenges i've encountered just recently. well, considering that i'm only after to expressing the things i feel and not fishing for comments, it'd be better to have all of these words here. :)

it was a sudden stop. there was this moment where i once again felt numb because i was hurt. a pain caused by a mistake i did swallowed me whole and agonize the usual, happy way i was living my life. if i remember right, it'd been months ago since i experienced the dark, excruciating atmosphere of regret, of struggle toward forgiveness, of fear to the world and of anger to the self. i never really thought to recuperate a bit fast since i never intended to. alas then, i felt numb. i suddenly realized that whatever's happening around me makes no sense at all. it dawned on me that it was the same me years ago gripping like a vacuum of despair and pulling me away with this last inch of distance my feet have from the ground, from reality.

it's as if the strange reaped off the best from me that i felt ordinary; like there was nothing new and nothing exciting about how life turns out given every effort and every will i have for change, for improvement and for movement. i didn't expected someone. i didn't even search for anyone to take away all this nonsense, this misery, this unfathomable experience of self-inflicted terror. i didn't think. more so i didn't feel. i didn't move. i didn't move forward until you stepped on my doorstep and said, 'hello'.

the whole second of you coming into my life changed everything. yes, timing is everything and you're all about that timing. if you've already figured out how perfect was this particular moment when you barged in and throw me a look that i'd never have to let go if only i can, you'd probably smile with me and say that serendipity in the 'cheesiest' way it can happen does exist.tsk.tsk. haha. (going back)..well yeah, i shifted the course of my plans and went on to a world new to me. although it was scary at first and not to mention that i was hurting that time, i didn't give a damn on committing mistakes or on putting myself to shame. i needed to learn and i recognized that. i needed some humility and i subjected myself to ways in which i can observe that. i needed to be complacent not in putting up myself but more of in making life worthy of consuming. and so, i sort of give up and give in to the so called 'unfolding'. whatever happens, you just let it be. i would always hold on to the very though that 'experience' can never happen with all things planned. the mere fact that 'experience' exists constitutes the encounter of unplanned events. well, all i can say is the experience of regret and pain was worth everything that happened after. Big Boss doesn't give burdens which are larger than life or heavier than what i'm capable of carrying. :) i firmly believe in this as you came and gave me the best of unknown reasons to be happy.

let me put it this way, i didn't expect you but you showed yourself. it was not supposed to lead this way but we ushered through. i tried clearing up the confusions i have and i struggled, slowing down the turn of events to be sure of what i was feeling but it just so happened that even fate hastens the 'should be' of things. the moment i knew that i love you, i never felt hesitant of doing so. i never gave myself reasons to stop making you feel so. i also never pulled you toward me, what i asked for was to let me do what i want to do. let me feel and justify whatever it is. now, it's too far to comment and compare between the 'before' and the 'after'. :) now, it's all about God's will and us, letting what has been let to happen. :)

let me then blog about you. i couldn't express these things in ordinary conversations, atleast here, all the experiences are put to description, although a bit vague and messy, still every detail of it tells that i'm happy. happy because you made me. i'm indeed the lucky one. i'm God's favorite, i'm saying this with confidence. :)

tata..

arriving from gradient to grayscale.

it's when i've come to realize that life has left me behind with all its fuss that i was preempted to hurry on a bit of hassle and hustle. i didn't really expect to get concerned this much with how things are going on around me until i felt that i needed to do something of great responsibility and conviction.

at this very point, i'm more or less wasted by the urgency of the situation. it's not that i don't have any choice or that i'm forced to mature to this level, it's just that when fate offered me two options which are to do nothing or to do anything it takes to reach maximum complacency, i went for maximum complacency of course.

i know it's gonna be rough especially that this new world im entering won't really entertain me in the way fun and leisure used to hang out with me, but im pretty much sure of the ends im going at. means are means and i think utilizing time, effort, energy and skill will get me where i want to be. such place may be of long-term proportions; however, as i promised myself with the one thing i need to finish, i'll certainly go back to what i know is most rewarding and most treasurable. i indeed am fixed with this idea that what's happening now is what i need to seize and at the same time, what i need to let be.

there are unexplainable mishaps in the course of reality. blame or regret can never push me to throwing my life beyond the horizons of giving up and misery. it's all in the mind. it's all in faith. it's all in confidence. it's all in actualization. it's all realization.

the gradient may vary. the slope descends and ascends, yet one things' for sure, between the black and white, there's this dimension called the grayscale, where everything's at a certain balance. this is my grayscale-inclined life, i deem to balance it as soon as possible.

looking back. moving on.

by now, problems seem to be equal or more than the size of my world. it's a leap of faith to stand by the chances that come along, fighting for many things although not knowing where to end up and what stakes might be lost. now, it's all about seeing through risks. seeing that rewards may not be in the form of triumphs or achievements, but just being aware that there are some things i can win without holding them too much to myself and through setting them free as if they were never really mine. it's the care and love i have for these things that let me accept their identity as chances, as possibilities, not as battles to seize, never as trophies to possess.

looking back, i would always point to my experiences as a small child. as a 6 yr old boy, i was innocent, simple and frank. i do what i wanted doing often, i played, i ate my favorite food and i crave for childly luxuries such as toys, ice cream and many more. things were all as simple as they appeared back then. being this kid, my problems would either be a result of my foolishness, natural tantrums im fond of entertaining or parenting measures i dont really like. it was just plain as an everyday cycle of not understanding that my attitude was fairly unreasonable and compulsive. i do enjoyed being a kid though. my tears were not that rare, they can be persuaded by a simple wound i get from playing, by a favor not granted, by a request not listened to or by a thing lost and not found. it's funny to think about getting over crying in a minute or two just because there's this candy offered or there's this trip to the amusement park set the next day.

growing in an elementary school that welcomed me with pride, i learned how to go beyond the academic stuff. it felt great to be with other children who are free and wild. the atmosphere in our school was always lively and a pupil's day back then would never run out of excitement. i often spent the whole day making fun of everything i see and i end the day dirty, sweaty and happy. i can also remember how i become mature with treating wounds. as a 10 year old boy, it was the time for me to look at a wound with courage, recognizing the pain it has within, but overcoming the feeling of fear that it might hurt a little more. such was also the thing as to how i dealt with a bit of serious dilemma. fights were common and i would always become guilty being involved in a fight. although the guilt was actually there, i didnt mind telling my parents about fights or troubles in school. they're just too overprotective to absorb the idea of how a 4th grader enjoys life as one big adventure. it also came to a point when i didnt pull too much of a big deal from problems i had. it was like every problem soon passes and i need not plan solving it. thinking that it's always the case with problems, i do enjoyed the freedom of not caring at all.

it's all about the experiences and the realizations that im owing to my highschool life a big ounce of gratitude. i dont know about others but i really enjoyed almost the 3/4 of my 4years in hs. it's like i'd always try to turn my head back for historical guidance that only back in those years i can get. i think in summary, hs was friendship, love, independence and luck. friendship was the most priceless thing i cannot deny of having with my hs friends. they're all the best pals one lucky fellow like me could ever have. they're the most supportive group an unfortunate and lonesome individual could ever dream of. most especially, they're what sacrifice and true care speak of. my hs friends did create a big part of my personality, which is why im thankful for having them around during both times of laughter and misery. i wont be who i am now if they weren't them as well. love is a different and separate thing though as far as hs and friendships are concerned. im sure that love was another dimension i value except for the fact of having so close peers at that time. it was me venturing so carelessly and innocently to what can be called a pandemonium of instances. the only thing i remember is that i was willing to give love and be loved as well, but the case was, love and me weren't that close. i was a stranger, a new acquaintance for the this thing called romance; and so, i failed, dragged myself to situations i never wanted to be in and i screwed up fighting for what i felt. well, i regarded everything as a part of life although i was badly hurt. i think these were times where i get most of the meaningful realizations i had in hs. the realizations were all about pain, all about failure, all about giving in and giving up. in the end, it taught me to take good care of myself in a not so reasonable and defensive way. i became independent as a result of many things i disgust and label as unhealthy for myself. well to top it off, i was lucky to achieve a couple of awards and recognitions despite being bombarded with a shitload of dilemma. when i think about it from this time, i cant help but smile and be proud that i am who i am now.

college life is a lot more different and way too serious as compared to all of the paragraphs before this. this is the course of time where im feeling a bit uneasy about overcoming challenges that seem to be so difficult to face. it's now that i've just realized how wasteful i am in both time and effort. it's just now that i've come to recognize my mistakes and my weaknesses as a person. it's also now that i've been aware that it's already about time to change and initiate a complete overhaul within the system i am operating. thus far, i think im in a pace of improvement, although a bit slow.

well, in writing this blog, i only mean of one thing, i just see myself moving on. moving on toward a greater disposition. moving on to take higher grounds of maturity and conviction. moving on to hold on to more meaningful stakes of chances. moving on to take on possibilities without regret. lastly, moving on for the things im clear of seeing as right and worth the fight.

i'd always try to look back, but i'd never be stuck because im moving on; whether slow or a bit in a hurry, i move on because i have things to arrive at and things to still continue. im moving on because i have what my heart deserves, plainly, i have you to move on.

Notes #5, 6, 7 & 8 (fb)

stat ko sana kaso di kasya:

if i were to punch myself, it would be for not being able to express many times how i felt; if i were to punch myself the second time, it would be for tolerating this excruciating silence that could have bursted the many words i never had the courage to utter right at your very ears; and finally, if i were to punch myself for this third and last time, it wouldn't be for not learning at all or for repeating the same old mistakes, but it would be for paying tribute to these punches that may have failed in letting me speak the truth before however awakened me that if there's this time and chance allotted for the two of us then i would presume it'll come and such is when i'll never have to punch myself again. :)

the ceiling just makes me think...:

if i were given a million probabilities to test my luck and 999,999 chances would be allotted for me to pick and avoid just one misfortune among the million choices, i guess i will really be choosing 999,999 lucky things to make my life better but have one unchosen piece that will make life worst --- such piece is the chance of having you...

delayed note..:

i know one day, in one random and particular moment, fate will hold the two of us seated with two cups of coffee placed between and surprisingly, i'll be contented with the silence that i wouldn't want to disturb with my words and with the presence beside me that i wouldn't want imagining disappearing from this very place at this very instance

---------- this picture is what comprises my HOPE :)

phenomenology:

Though we are enriched with the possibilities to experience, with the tendency to fall and with the nature to love, every step of the way is difficult and every decision to take is a risk… but I never asked myself why I jump off every cliff of chance I encounter..maybe because I cannot live without taking chances and without breaking unreasonable and more so unjustified restrictions..

Take chances..and let it FALL :)