think straight or think bent

there's a very thin line separating sanity and insanity..

either one or the other can tell if someone thinks straight or not..

for an individual who smiles momentarily and laughs out loud, who knows where the joy can be coming? the lightness maybe of genuine happiness, a normal feeling of every person..while it could also be disillusionment, a fluctuating euphoric excitement that goes by a snap..

for somebody who cries silently and frowns in grief, there can always be two sides..the emptiness might have come from clinical depression, diagnosed to be critical in a mental state..but on the other hand, it could've just been natural sadness, the teary outlet of the heavy-hearted..

and for the one who exhibits no emotion at all, maybe the neutrality is simply brought by the weather..a sudden change of mood that compels no human reaction at all..or worst, it could be catatonia, the restless, schizophrenic attitude opposite to sensitive exhaustion..

either of which, by any chance for every case, the contrast is further lost..

and so, there's this very huge probability that the person you're talking to right now is the plain, unconscious, disturbed individual, going in a trance from being delusional, to catatonic, and then to getting depressed..while you still mistake him to be the normal, conversational person he is..

meantime, the one locked up inside the quarters continues to act ill, 'cause although sanity can be proven, it creeps to know that the more a patient insists to be sane, as he really is, the more he looks insane in the eyes of the labeling many..

it's funny to think that we sane people act crazy sometimes just to escape reality for awhile..and at some point, this attitude of letting loose becomes a leeway for our own psychiatric disorders to be disguised as intentional misbehavings..

this is why it's too early and too risky to judge one by mere looks in an isolated instance..

i don't even know who's writing this blog.. :)

thoughts and time pricking through

sometimes im too sober. sometimes im too sad. sometimes im too scared.

its when i get to be bored and idle that i become aware of the obvious, excruciating madness im soaked with ever since the day i chose laziness above everything else. im sane for most of my time, but im insane in between every second the clock presses on reality. its good to drink and smile at the world like heaven is just waiting for the right time to manifest itself from the skies. being drunk isn't an escape from the baggage of earthly corruption, its just a fun way to break free and exhaust freedom up to its very last ounce. sometimes im too sober that im more forgetful being straight-thinking than being under the influence of alcohol. alcohol just tends to freeze the memory until a hang-over cracks out painfully in the morning while soberness piles all memories into one jump-packed fruit basket that overloads too instantly. the next thing to happen is oblivion and a few of the happy things just gets retained.

sad to say that i've been feeling heavy for the past two days. a swollen gravity of stress, restlessness and blankness clouds my entire mood everytime the sun sets and evening falls. it's just so strange why and im also too conscious about thinking that i might be releasing the desire my body has to pamper the ever spoiled child in me when there's no need to do so. im lacking confidence, motivation and resolution to top it all up. sometimes i just dont know what to do. sometimes im just too sad to figure things out with a positive attitude. the peculiarity of moments speak a lot of overcrowding and shouting in my system; i only dont know where to locate these impaired temperaments in this metropolis-like capsule my soul dwells within.

11:21pm in my pc's clock and im not ready to let go of myself to sleep. im still thinking and thinking and thinking because my mind tells me that this night doesnt have room for shutting down.

now im more aware.

now im more conscious.

now i know that when im sober and sad, i get to be scared.

im scared of a lot of things indeed. im a coward. im a chicken. im a child most of the time when im frightened.

im just too scared to fail when i have nothing really to lose. im just too scared too witness happiness that's not mine. im just too scared of losing hope and getting tired of trying. im just too scared of falling apart again. im just too scared of losing my sanity to my insanity and im also too scared of losing my insanity from my sanity.

above all things im scared about, im just too scared of losing her. it creeps within me and i cant think of the one day i get to find myself searching for a comfort zone i might never win back.

and lastly, beyond such fear i've made mention above, im still too scared of another thing..

im too scared of hurting her and making her feel differently one day.

im not at all complacent on my part, i'll continue to be scared because this is where i get hope and courage to move forward. i can stay positive even if i were scared of many things. many things such as the thoughts i have above will win me not only assurances but a trustworthy conviction to lay everything in the proper order.

stay positive like everything's gonna break apart for the better :))

lacking divinities..

i just came from our rooftop and witnessed a great great lightning scene from the heavens awhile ago..and before being called by my dad to come down and prepare the food i'll be having for dinner, i've already decided to put my thoughts to blogging..

well, it's just nice to have a place like our rooftop where i can ponder upon things and leave all the baggage i'm carrying behind.. sometimes it does help to raise everything to the ground and just look up to see the skies complete with emotion and commotion while the beauty of the clouds, the moon, the stars and all other heavenly spectacles do not disrupt the peace of mind the ambiance of the night brings me..

for some reason i came thinking about how my life's going on right now..i mean, the feeling i'm having is actually of content despite the many problematic instances i've encountered a week or several days ago..the circumstances were all sprouting from false decisions i've made and i do admit that i was foolish for being so impulsive about hastening the process of solving things in a very uncertain and rushed way..i cannot say that it'll be all charge to experience because certainly i've wasted so much..time, effort, resources and a lot of chance to improve myself in my academic life..i do say 'shit happens' always, but for now, i think i'll be saying that 'shit happens if i happen to make shit and not clean it up after'.. at some point i can say that i've been exhausted from being immature and indecisive..and to some extent, i regret and continuously regret those recently concluded episodes of personal decisions i've made..i've been selfish and prideful and i never really did put into discernment the actions that i was so eager to take..
to reflect totally about these, i've been mediocre..and i'm still not moving this very instant to correct the things that need to be corrected..

I'M LACKING DIVINITIES THAT'S WHY I'M NOT ABLE TO PROCESS THINGS EFFICIENTLY..

the statement is quite a conclusion i've just made..i hope i'm right about it..

i do want to push forth motion..i want to move forward..i want to take responsibility for all the things i've done..i want to change badly..i want to be better..

and i need to start somewhere..because i know that i cannot just be complacent with the things i have right now..and apparently, i need to work for the permanence of the blessings i'm having..

no guarantees, everything will be fatal..but i do have the hold in making chances possible..and so i have to do the things needed to be done..most especially that i'm holding very precious values at this present and i cannot afford to lose them just because of foolishness, irresponsibility or mediocrity..

i'm lacking divinities, that's why i'll be looking at the skies again and ask for the heavens to shower me the spirits that'll make me move forward..:))

i trust my intuitions and i know i can do right this time.

let me blog about her.. :)

since this site isn't that crowded by people i know, i'd choose to blog about the only person who makes my world move forward despite challenges i've encountered just recently. well, considering that i'm only after to expressing the things i feel and not fishing for comments, it'd be better to have all of these words here. :)

it was a sudden stop. there was this moment where i once again felt numb because i was hurt. a pain caused by a mistake i did swallowed me whole and agonize the usual, happy way i was living my life. if i remember right, it'd been months ago since i experienced the dark, excruciating atmosphere of regret, of struggle toward forgiveness, of fear to the world and of anger to the self. i never really thought to recuperate a bit fast since i never intended to. alas then, i felt numb. i suddenly realized that whatever's happening around me makes no sense at all. it dawned on me that it was the same me years ago gripping like a vacuum of despair and pulling me away with this last inch of distance my feet have from the ground, from reality.

it's as if the strange reaped off the best from me that i felt ordinary; like there was nothing new and nothing exciting about how life turns out given every effort and every will i have for change, for improvement and for movement. i didn't expected someone. i didn't even search for anyone to take away all this nonsense, this misery, this unfathomable experience of self-inflicted terror. i didn't think. more so i didn't feel. i didn't move. i didn't move forward until you stepped on my doorstep and said, 'hello'.

the whole second of you coming into my life changed everything. yes, timing is everything and you're all about that timing. if you've already figured out how perfect was this particular moment when you barged in and throw me a look that i'd never have to let go if only i can, you'd probably smile with me and say that serendipity in the 'cheesiest' way it can happen does exist.tsk.tsk. haha. (going back)..well yeah, i shifted the course of my plans and went on to a world new to me. although it was scary at first and not to mention that i was hurting that time, i didn't give a damn on committing mistakes or on putting myself to shame. i needed to learn and i recognized that. i needed some humility and i subjected myself to ways in which i can observe that. i needed to be complacent not in putting up myself but more of in making life worthy of consuming. and so, i sort of give up and give in to the so called 'unfolding'. whatever happens, you just let it be. i would always hold on to the very though that 'experience' can never happen with all things planned. the mere fact that 'experience' exists constitutes the encounter of unplanned events. well, all i can say is the experience of regret and pain was worth everything that happened after. Big Boss doesn't give burdens which are larger than life or heavier than what i'm capable of carrying. :) i firmly believe in this as you came and gave me the best of unknown reasons to be happy.

let me put it this way, i didn't expect you but you showed yourself. it was not supposed to lead this way but we ushered through. i tried clearing up the confusions i have and i struggled, slowing down the turn of events to be sure of what i was feeling but it just so happened that even fate hastens the 'should be' of things. the moment i knew that i love you, i never felt hesitant of doing so. i never gave myself reasons to stop making you feel so. i also never pulled you toward me, what i asked for was to let me do what i want to do. let me feel and justify whatever it is. now, it's too far to comment and compare between the 'before' and the 'after'. :) now, it's all about God's will and us, letting what has been let to happen. :)

let me then blog about you. i couldn't express these things in ordinary conversations, atleast here, all the experiences are put to description, although a bit vague and messy, still every detail of it tells that i'm happy. happy because you made me. i'm indeed the lucky one. i'm God's favorite, i'm saying this with confidence. :)

tata..

arriving from gradient to grayscale.

it's when i've come to realize that life has left me behind with all its fuss that i was preempted to hurry on a bit of hassle and hustle. i didn't really expect to get concerned this much with how things are going on around me until i felt that i needed to do something of great responsibility and conviction.

at this very point, i'm more or less wasted by the urgency of the situation. it's not that i don't have any choice or that i'm forced to mature to this level, it's just that when fate offered me two options which are to do nothing or to do anything it takes to reach maximum complacency, i went for maximum complacency of course.

i know it's gonna be rough especially that this new world im entering won't really entertain me in the way fun and leisure used to hang out with me, but im pretty much sure of the ends im going at. means are means and i think utilizing time, effort, energy and skill will get me where i want to be. such place may be of long-term proportions; however, as i promised myself with the one thing i need to finish, i'll certainly go back to what i know is most rewarding and most treasurable. i indeed am fixed with this idea that what's happening now is what i need to seize and at the same time, what i need to let be.

there are unexplainable mishaps in the course of reality. blame or regret can never push me to throwing my life beyond the horizons of giving up and misery. it's all in the mind. it's all in faith. it's all in confidence. it's all in actualization. it's all realization.

the gradient may vary. the slope descends and ascends, yet one things' for sure, between the black and white, there's this dimension called the grayscale, where everything's at a certain balance. this is my grayscale-inclined life, i deem to balance it as soon as possible.

looking back. moving on.

by now, problems seem to be equal or more than the size of my world. it's a leap of faith to stand by the chances that come along, fighting for many things although not knowing where to end up and what stakes might be lost. now, it's all about seeing through risks. seeing that rewards may not be in the form of triumphs or achievements, but just being aware that there are some things i can win without holding them too much to myself and through setting them free as if they were never really mine. it's the care and love i have for these things that let me accept their identity as chances, as possibilities, not as battles to seize, never as trophies to possess.

looking back, i would always point to my experiences as a small child. as a 6 yr old boy, i was innocent, simple and frank. i do what i wanted doing often, i played, i ate my favorite food and i crave for childly luxuries such as toys, ice cream and many more. things were all as simple as they appeared back then. being this kid, my problems would either be a result of my foolishness, natural tantrums im fond of entertaining or parenting measures i dont really like. it was just plain as an everyday cycle of not understanding that my attitude was fairly unreasonable and compulsive. i do enjoyed being a kid though. my tears were not that rare, they can be persuaded by a simple wound i get from playing, by a favor not granted, by a request not listened to or by a thing lost and not found. it's funny to think about getting over crying in a minute or two just because there's this candy offered or there's this trip to the amusement park set the next day.

growing in an elementary school that welcomed me with pride, i learned how to go beyond the academic stuff. it felt great to be with other children who are free and wild. the atmosphere in our school was always lively and a pupil's day back then would never run out of excitement. i often spent the whole day making fun of everything i see and i end the day dirty, sweaty and happy. i can also remember how i become mature with treating wounds. as a 10 year old boy, it was the time for me to look at a wound with courage, recognizing the pain it has within, but overcoming the feeling of fear that it might hurt a little more. such was also the thing as to how i dealt with a bit of serious dilemma. fights were common and i would always become guilty being involved in a fight. although the guilt was actually there, i didnt mind telling my parents about fights or troubles in school. they're just too overprotective to absorb the idea of how a 4th grader enjoys life as one big adventure. it also came to a point when i didnt pull too much of a big deal from problems i had. it was like every problem soon passes and i need not plan solving it. thinking that it's always the case with problems, i do enjoyed the freedom of not caring at all.

it's all about the experiences and the realizations that im owing to my highschool life a big ounce of gratitude. i dont know about others but i really enjoyed almost the 3/4 of my 4years in hs. it's like i'd always try to turn my head back for historical guidance that only back in those years i can get. i think in summary, hs was friendship, love, independence and luck. friendship was the most priceless thing i cannot deny of having with my hs friends. they're all the best pals one lucky fellow like me could ever have. they're the most supportive group an unfortunate and lonesome individual could ever dream of. most especially, they're what sacrifice and true care speak of. my hs friends did create a big part of my personality, which is why im thankful for having them around during both times of laughter and misery. i wont be who i am now if they weren't them as well. love is a different and separate thing though as far as hs and friendships are concerned. im sure that love was another dimension i value except for the fact of having so close peers at that time. it was me venturing so carelessly and innocently to what can be called a pandemonium of instances. the only thing i remember is that i was willing to give love and be loved as well, but the case was, love and me weren't that close. i was a stranger, a new acquaintance for the this thing called romance; and so, i failed, dragged myself to situations i never wanted to be in and i screwed up fighting for what i felt. well, i regarded everything as a part of life although i was badly hurt. i think these were times where i get most of the meaningful realizations i had in hs. the realizations were all about pain, all about failure, all about giving in and giving up. in the end, it taught me to take good care of myself in a not so reasonable and defensive way. i became independent as a result of many things i disgust and label as unhealthy for myself. well to top it off, i was lucky to achieve a couple of awards and recognitions despite being bombarded with a shitload of dilemma. when i think about it from this time, i cant help but smile and be proud that i am who i am now.

college life is a lot more different and way too serious as compared to all of the paragraphs before this. this is the course of time where im feeling a bit uneasy about overcoming challenges that seem to be so difficult to face. it's now that i've just realized how wasteful i am in both time and effort. it's just now that i've come to recognize my mistakes and my weaknesses as a person. it's also now that i've been aware that it's already about time to change and initiate a complete overhaul within the system i am operating. thus far, i think im in a pace of improvement, although a bit slow.

well, in writing this blog, i only mean of one thing, i just see myself moving on. moving on toward a greater disposition. moving on to take higher grounds of maturity and conviction. moving on to hold on to more meaningful stakes of chances. moving on to take on possibilities without regret. lastly, moving on for the things im clear of seeing as right and worth the fight.

i'd always try to look back, but i'd never be stuck because im moving on; whether slow or a bit in a hurry, i move on because i have things to arrive at and things to still continue. im moving on because i have what my heart deserves, plainly, i have you to move on.

Notes #5, 6, 7 & 8 (fb)

stat ko sana kaso di kasya:

if i were to punch myself, it would be for not being able to express many times how i felt; if i were to punch myself the second time, it would be for tolerating this excruciating silence that could have bursted the many words i never had the courage to utter right at your very ears; and finally, if i were to punch myself for this third and last time, it wouldn't be for not learning at all or for repeating the same old mistakes, but it would be for paying tribute to these punches that may have failed in letting me speak the truth before however awakened me that if there's this time and chance allotted for the two of us then i would presume it'll come and such is when i'll never have to punch myself again. :)

the ceiling just makes me think...:

if i were given a million probabilities to test my luck and 999,999 chances would be allotted for me to pick and avoid just one misfortune among the million choices, i guess i will really be choosing 999,999 lucky things to make my life better but have one unchosen piece that will make life worst --- such piece is the chance of having you...

delayed note..:

i know one day, in one random and particular moment, fate will hold the two of us seated with two cups of coffee placed between and surprisingly, i'll be contented with the silence that i wouldn't want to disturb with my words and with the presence beside me that i wouldn't want imagining disappearing from this very place at this very instance

---------- this picture is what comprises my HOPE :)

phenomenology:

Though we are enriched with the possibilities to experience, with the tendency to fall and with the nature to love, every step of the way is difficult and every decision to take is a risk… but I never asked myself why I jump off every cliff of chance I encounter..maybe because I cannot live without taking chances and without breaking unreasonable and more so unjustified restrictions..

Take chances..and let it FALL :)

Note #4 (fb)

made out of the blue:

Lost Soul

There was once a man living out of the worldly chances that come in random. He was nothing but a happy-go-lucky person who neither wished to have this grand entrance to heaven or worse yet, be burned in the flames of hell. He was an apathetic chamber of all unexpected stuff and a careless piece of shit for the people who look at him from a distance. In short, he was just but lower than ordinary, more abhorred than disgusted and better messed around than looked down.

It was his actual choice to live a life of misery after being brought up bent by his family. He felt as if he’s all about negativity sucking anything positive that comes round him. He totally was convinced that there’s nothing else in putting up the self but mere luck and that making oneself great to others is just a great great waste of time. He’s pretty much close to getting what he wants which is to tell the whole world that he’s better off alone than social, better off raising a dirty finger than a peace sign and better off pulling a gun’s trigger than waving a white flag. Well, life’s a mess and shit happens ALL THE TIME so why give a damn on things that flatter the rest of the world in foolishness.

Such was Nicolas in person. A man overflowing with crap but still has something to brag about wit, about guts and about what he has to offer as compared to the rest of profanity and ridicule offered by this wasted earth. Nicolas, the catalyst of unchange and unbelief, then meets the person he got interested in talking with so much.

It was Luci that he encountered in an alley one night. Luci introduced himself to Nicolas and told him that he’s the source of light which can change everything in favor of Nicolas’ needs and wants. Nicolas, being humorously intrigued but never gullibly convinced, responded in a funny way by saying, “So who are you? God?” and followed up mentioning, “Or Satan?” and still uttered, “Oh now this is better, you may be my conscience?!” and then, laughed loudly. Luci just smiled. He continued talking about trading important valuables with Nicolas and promised him that he’ll be substantially rewarded by whatever Luci is gonna give him in exhange of something he has. So Nicolas asked, “What am I suppose to give you now if you actually won’t like anything I have for this trade?” and he was to continue walking out of the alley when Luci said, “Exchange your soul for immortality.” Nicolas then felt this chill coming from the very pores of his bones and diffusing out of his skin. Luci ushered in talking, “You don’t care about heaven or hell’s existence right? And I know you’re bound proving the world that you can outdestine whatever shit happens to you; so why not outlive everything in existence. Now, pretty much interested?” and Luci looked straight into the eyes of Nicolas expecting for his agreeing answer. Nicolas turned at him, “You can do that?” and outstretched his hands side by side saying, “Take my soul and make me immortal!” With this, Luci laughed and laughed until he vanished in the sight of Nicolas. The night went on and Nicolas was just grinning with the thought that the liquor he took with gluttony made him see bizarre hallucinations.

He woke up the next day feeling new and fresh. It was the first morning that seemed to motivate him to smile at his face in the mirror. He went to his work and everything was usual. Afternoon came and as he was crossing the street, he didn’t notice a truck overtaking the car that stopped to give him way. He was rushed to the hospital by civilians who saw the tragic accident. When he opened his eyes after two days of unconscious sleep, he saw the face of his doctor curiously staring at him. Nicolas asked in a rough voice, “Am I actually alive?” and tried feeling his head with plasters. The doctor explained to him that he’s supposed to be dead after what had happened, but miraculously and unbelievably he’s skull was still intact and there was no loss of substantial blood despite the bloody scene witnessed by the people who brought him to the hospital. Nicolas was perplexed by the main idea of surviving a fatal accident like this and what he can only think about was the mere picture of him jokingly agreeing to barter his soul with the devil in exchange for immortality.

Days passed, months went by and even years felt like minutes on rush to Nicolas. He was able to visit a number of doctors just to check if the initial findings from the accident was really credible and precise. Specialists uttered the same phrases such as, “You are fine.” “Not a problem seen in your system” and “You are very much healthy mister” and these lines gave him this creepy atmosphere of being convinced that he’s actually immortal. He felt scared but as the person he was, he still managed to smile and he treated life as if nothing can be so much of a big deal as being immortal.

No ailments for 3 consecutive years of drinking, smoking and having fun. No side effects from multiple medicines he was advised to take. Not a sign of ageing too as he already reached his 25th birthday. Not a loss of energy on work, on outdoor activities and on night outs which were all scheduled every week in his planner. To all of these, Nicolas didn’t give a fuss about. He was pretty well occupied with doing things in the most careless way possible without anything stopping him.

Winter came and Nicolas stayed at home just to enjoy the vacation. He stared at the fireplace and saw cinders floating and glowing. He was reminded of his childhood. He has this vivid image of him being fond of staying near the fireplace to stay warm and of observing the cinders which make him smile for no known reason. It was at this moment that he realized that he cannot feel anymore. It dawned to him that he no longer knows how to appreciate things and that he cannot recognize anymore any emotion available to whatever is human to humanity. This was his worst night for it was like useless not to notice the unworthy change from being human to being just an empty body that was certainly concealed in the short-term caprices of reality. Nicolas now knew that aside from being immortal, he is as well incapable of feeling, of entertaining emotions and of seeing through other people.

Soulless and lifeless, Nicolas surrendered everything to the routinary ways he was accustomed to. The cycle was excruciating and far more debilitating than being able to feel suffering in what can be called human condition. Nicolas was hopeless and was in the verge of forgetting things still worth fighting for until he met this lady named Anne.

Anne was the innocent-type whose positive about life and anything that might happen to it, whether not-so-bad things or not-really-bad things as she puts them in her own words. Anne met Nicolas in a subway station when both of them actually got stuck in the last train ride going downtown. They were able exchange a couple of phone calls after such incident but all these talked about professional and work-related stuff as both them were working as business associates in two sister-firms situated in New York. Nicolas interests Anne with his personality as Anne amazes him with her charm and simplicity. Both got along well and it was easy for them to get closer as months went by.

They oftentimes stroll around the park. They also are fond of watching movies together. To couple their friendship with a bit of something sweet, they actually decided to have one special day of just looking at the sunset on Anne’s favorite site which was her rooftop. It was one of these sunset-marked days that Anne began asking about how Nicolas feels about life and about the two of them. Nicolas just stared at her blankly for he never really understood things on the sense of feeling. What he just knew is that Anne was his one and only company that made his curse of living a solitary life repel from his very own system. Nicolas explained to Anne that he’s literally an insensitive person and that he doesn’t know what it is like to feel. Nicolas opened to her that he’s pretty much curious about tears and about laughter when people experience multitudes of phenomena that trigger emotions to surface. Anne sensed that he was willing to learn about feeling and so she gave him a very simple example. Anne first said, “Have you ever by just a chance drawn your attention to your fireplace during winter?” Nicolas replied, “Yes.” “What do you observe then?” Anne questioned. “I see cinders glowing and rising” Nicolas answered. “Other than that? Nothing more?” Anne asked as a follow up. Nicolas then said, “Nothing more.” Anne, seeing the curiosity in Nicolas’ eyes regarding her question, then started explaining to him, “You see, your eyes are pretty much fixed with the cinders that glow and rise above the flames in your fireplace. I can say that you’re not too much keen in seeing that there are actually moths that crawl on the bricks that make up the fireplace and sometimes hover around the fire. These moths most of the time hover in pairs.” Nicolas uttered, “What about the moths?” Anne insisted, “Just let me finish okay?!” and glanced at him with a look very serious. After pausing for a couple of seconds, she continued, “Pairs are composed of always two in number right?!” Nicolas answered, “Right.” “I’m telling you that being in a pair or recognizing a kind of number which is two is a feeling.” Anne stated. “Ha?! What do you mean? Two is a number; it’s an abstract thing and you cannot put it as a feeling much like saying that being in a pair is a feeling.” Nicolas argued. Anne further intrigued Nicolas with a couple of questioning, “When a pair of moths hovers around the flames and one of them gets consumed in the flames, what’s left? How many are left?” Nicolas directly answered, “What’s left is one of them. One is left.” “And that concept of one-being-left pretty much equates to being alone right? And I’m telling you now that being alone is a feeling.” Anne finally finished his example with such line and repeated, “Being alone is a feeling Nicolas.” Nicolas was struck with these words that came from Anne’s example. He actually understood that there’s this difference between an individual who’s alone and an individual who has company. He then realized that the meaning of the example was meant to enlighten him with the fact that he was before “one”, an individual who’s alone and who has no company at all, and that he can be considered as an individual who has company now for he has Anne now. Anne said in a sweet tone, “You know, focusing on the cinders is much like seeing reality lifeless; you see cinders rising and glowing but they are but non-living spectacles of the flames. Try seeing moths hovering and moths losing partners in their journey of going through the fire for it is in these sights that you’ll be able to see what suffering means, what being alone means and how losing someone feels.” Nicolas, staring at the night sky for it was already dark, started to feel a certain spark of pain trying to burst out of his chest. Tears rolled down from his eyes and with no words to explain how this had happened to him he embraced Anne for being so thankful of this hurt he’s experiencing now. A hurt which he longed for in the many years that passed surfaced in this much unexpected moment. A hurt that was meant to strip him naked of his regrets and suffering finally gets liberated by this person he considers his only friend, his only partner and his only company. A hurt that little by little relieves him of the numbness and blankness that reigned in himself before makes him hope at last. A hurt which never really made sad tears to fall, for it was like crying in the highest form of gaiety to be able to feel happiness out of sadness this true.

Nicolas, after bidding farewell to Anne, headed home with a lighter perspective on things to happen next. He slept knowing that everything will turn out great as he has seemed to regain a bit of his humanity from what happened at such night. He woke up the following day late and he checked his cellphone for any new messages. He found 14 new messages and all of which were from this unknown number explaining that Anne was rushed to her doctor just this morning because of a seizure caused by neural damage on a locality in her brain. He instantly got a cab and went straight to the hospital indicated in the message. He found Anne’s room and he talked to her doctor who was supervising the installation of machines that will help Anne to cope with her breathing discomforts and of another apparatus to monitor her vital signs. The doctor directly explained to Nicolas that Anne was in a critical condition that may either result to a coma or worst, to death. Nicolas cannot accept these facts. Nicolas was lost in realizing that things can actually be taken away in a mere snap of reality. He is incapable of doing anything; he cried and begged the heavens to give him another chance. It was late afternoon when he went out of the hospital to have a cup of coffee in a nearby 24-hour resto. There, he sat and considered every sip as bitter as his loss of Anne.

When Nicolas was about to leave, a lady in white approached his table and ordered him to stay for just a few minutes so that they can talk for awhile. Nicolas intended to ignore the woman until she uttered, “I know you’re in great pain. I know that your loved one is hours away from being ushered toward the skies. I know you Nicolas, the one who traded his soul with a devil for immortality.” Nicolas already was flaming in regret when he said, “It was the worst kind of evil that I have ever did and I know now that I’m paying the price of my foolishness. Whoever you are, just leave me alone.” The lady then said, “I can help you retrieve your soul.” Nicolas replied, “What will that help me for? It’s no use. I once was insensitive because of this immortality but I have learned to feel once again and to just add to that, feeling now is certainly one useless piece of shit since I am bound to lose her any sooner or later.” “Nicolas. Nicolas. Nicolas. It’s seems that you are but feeling and not thinking.” the lady concluded and she continued, “I am sent by God to help you. I am Raziel, an angel missioned to negotiate with Luci for your soul to be retrieved.” Nicolas then asked, “Why are you going to retrieve my soul? Will that make any difference? Why just extend Anne’s life? I know you can do that!” Raziel, the angel, explained finally how everything is gonna work, “You see Nicolas, we cannot do anything about Anne dying. It’s her fate and her life ends here. What we can do, as God has willed, is to retrieve your soul and that’s it; for without a soul you will remain here on earth and you are not to see Anne ever again for your earthly immortality is just bound here in the premises of this world. Without a soul, you cannot transcend to the heavens. So to put it short, we will be retrieving your soul so that you can be mortal again and as a mortal, you can die. Dying would then allow you to undergo transcendence and such will provide an opportunity for you to see her again.” Nicolas sighed and finally agreed, “Okay. I can no longer doubt if this is true or not. The only important thing for me is her and that’s it. Please deliver me my soul when you get back.” “As God has willed, I’d be doing such”, Raziel assured him confidently.

The negotiation between Luci and Raziel went easy. Raziel, upon arriving at the gates of hell, was greeted by Luci for he recognized that she was an angel carrying a message from above. Luci then questioned, “What are you here for?” Raziel handed him a scroll containing a list of terms of agreement which Luci didn’t understand. So upon his impatience to read everything Luci again asked, “What agreement are you talking about?” Raziel laid down the agreement in plain words, “God sent me to tell you that we are taking Nicolas’ soul back.” Luci smiled and said, “And what good is an agreement if only one party is satisfied? So what price should I have for doing that? Raziel stated, “God actually didn’t think of that yet, but I can think of one price; have me in exchange of Nicolas’ soul.” The trade was very much interesting and daring for Luci so he said, “I like that. Perhaps how will Nicolas’ soul be delivered to him if from now you’ll be staying here with me for eternity?” Raziel in a humorous tone said, “Oh I’ll deliver first his soul to him and I’ll get back here and be with you for the rest of eternity! Would that be fine my dear Luci?” Luci was in doubt and before he can say a word, Raziel directed him to the 14th item in the terms of agreement list and it was stipulated there, “No doubts shall be casted after the two parties have already agreed on their trade. Whatever means to achieve the trade shall be done despite objections to the concession for that which is important are the ends of the trade and not the means.” Luci fumingly gets forced to hand Raziel Nicolas’ soul encapsulated in a small glass orb which he got from his pocket. Raziel then left Luci’s dominion with a smile on her face; and so, Luci actually knew that everything was a trick to make him agree to that very daring trade that intelligent angel proposed. Luci was as foolish as the many times he fell for agreements that never really made him win for it was always God who outwits him in every possibility there is.

Raziel gave Nicolas his soul. Nicolas was thankful to her and to God for such a blessing that granted his prayer of another chance to be with Anne. Raziel was almost teary-eyed leaving Nicolas. Raziel was Nicolas’ guardian angel and she never really left Nicolas in his darkest hours. She was the most sacrificing angel to actually beg God to retrieve the soul of the one person she guards in exchange of her being angel. Raziel is now a mortal as Nicolas gets his soul back.

Nicolas went back to the hospital and watched Anne asleep. He’s thinking of her in pain and he just can’t help but cry and hope that she gets over all of this. Sunrise came and Anne’s vital signs went down. The doctor finally declared Anne as dead. The findings was that her brain didn’t make it in sustaining the function of all of the organs in her body. Nicolas tried to pull himself together and he was crushed feeling this great pain of losing Anne. This feeling will always remind him of her for she was the one who taught him of how to feel again. Nicolas then decided to accept and lay everything down to God. He’s not gonna rush things. He knows that in the afterlife he’ll be seeing Anne once again and that it is there where they’ll be happy for eternity.

If there’s another thing that Nicolas learned from Anne, it was to focus the senses on things that are truly and really alive for there’s no point of wasting time being lifeless. That’s why Nicolas now sets forth on a journey finding the greater meaning of that which is to live and of that which is to have company.

Note #3 (fb)

Last thing's first :{ sad:

Me and Silence

It’s me and my mouth closed
Seeing how far this regret goes
Been eaten up by this thought of you
Been breathing slow just to get through

It’s me and my eyes shut
Nothing actually seems to fall right
Like I’m playing to sleep or not
In whatever feeling that’s never alright

It’s me and my arms dead
Immobile as my pillow lying aside
Restless as my prayers get carried ahead
Begging that these memories never hide

It’s me and the room’s air very still
Seems the night run out of chill
And I’m perspiring on the verge of missing
Missing like an owl desperately howling

It’s me and my heart swelling
Nothing like a leap of faith to answer this bidding
Nothing like a tranquilizer to calm me down
More like losing an inch of sanity I’m almost out

Note #2 (fb)

it's called reflection:

im not okay. im struggling to be strong. im on my knees hoping that you'll not drift away.
certainly i'll not give up. certainly i'll stay. certainly i'll make it up to you if you just let me.

The Rain

I want the rain to pour
Shower generously in number
Like a blessing or two
Like hope bestowed to me in vain

I want the rain to carry leaves to the ground
Splash in unison with the droplets’ sound
‘cause it’s better to be down to earth,
better to look at the skies farther

I want the rain to invite darker clouds,
more lightning and louder thunder
just for me to speak of something certain
like a night of weeping that may end sooner

I want the rain to make the wind blow harder
Intensely drift from the usual chill of a bad weather
Not stopping until I queue
Sweeping away baggages my shoulders are due

I want the rain to become a storm,
Give the best show the seasons adorned
Making noise as if there’s no tomorrow
Silencing the shouts I hear alone

I want the rain to wash my face,
Drip from my forehead, then to my nose,
Invade this longing for a forgiving solace,
A tranquility given in the right dose

I want the rain to water my eyes,
Blur the sight I am capable of understanding;
Fall with my tears like a couple of dies
Invest in the loneliness i try to hide

I want the rain to cover me in coldness,
a hug very different from the rest,
more than being this cloak of numbness
make me feel I'm wrapped in a concealing crest

I want the rain to drown me,
Embrace me as I am weaker
Much more envelope me as I am shaky
Dance with me like we’re each other’s

All i want is for the rain to be mine
All I want is for the rain to love me
At least for this moment I can be true and real
That it’s really you whom I want the rain to be

Note #1 (fb)

When there's an immediate way to translate emotions into words, the abstract unfolds:

I once heard you laugh. I once heard you talk. I once heard you making fun of stuff. I once glanced at you and felt nothing.
I then thought for awhile, “Why pay attention to you? I mean, it’s no big deal really,” and so I gave away the idea of entertaining the picture of your face.
Next thing was I saw how you move. Also I noticed that you smell good. You smile with a confident wit very memorable to me. For a consolation, I also think you were pretty and sort of attractive to me.
“But what the hell?” I said. “It’s again no big deal.”
I cannot recall that there was a time I missed you. There was never a time that I looked for you. Also there will never be a chance that I’ll start savoring in mind the moments we were together. Never ever are these times to happen, except for now.
“Damn the many times I may have sounded in denial, damn the greatness that was me pretending.”
All I know is that these thoughts exist. The feeling that predominantly follows these thoughts is winning.
You are not just anyone. You are the creator of this world I’ve been narrating about in chaos.
It seems that there’s one last thing that I should do; it’s to beg you to put me into order so that you can be responsible for making me think of whatever this is and so that you can fix this mess which shouldn’t have surfaced at the very first place.
Either bring me back to the boring way I am before or love me and make my life messier and happier.

a blog in multiply i like drawing memories from

there's this thing we call 'attraction' and it can happen overnight:

the hell i'm totally deluded with these things again.... ...

It's not easy to get out of an illusion perfect in composition. It had this ambient atmosphere compacted with a deep yet simple exchange of expressions between two individuals. Certainly, I never expected that I'll be reminiscing this moment repetitively. There's really no clear explanation why I'm feeling imbalance existing among time elements-past, present and future. I'm bothered a lot and this isn't a matter to be neglected in reference to where I'm coming from.

Questions, revelations and prognostics are filling my mind. As far as I can remember, I caught these concerns just days ago, however, they just don't seem to sink or even dissolve in realizations whenever I try to close my eyes and scrutinize the bits of details I have in my memory. There were these instances which gave me curiosity about backgrounds and stuff. Sometimes, I tend to conceive of ideas revolving around impressions and social relations. Ironically, I often think that being haphazard is just a normal part of my instability and inconsistency when I really don't possess such confusion in dealing with personalities as well as emotions. Bottom line of this disorganized analysis and thinking structure is that I'm once again affected sporadically and weakly by recent occurrences in my life.

At this very point of blogging, I turn blank. All I have in my mind are pictures of that night when heavenly reality got hold of my understanding to tell me who I am and what I've become after excruciating experiences from childhood up to the point of maturity. Apparently, I gave in to what the situation called for. I conceived of the happening as a chance to make the conversation more concentrated on alleviating dilemmas which reflected my self from hers. The initial impact was light and comforting, but as the momentum went fading I unknowingly put myself into a trap. By this time, I'm sure I can't succeed in exiting this realm of captivation. I badly need help. To prioritize wisely, I badly necessitate helping first.

It's fortunate for many that I decided positively in putting this mess here. People say I don't have issues to settle at the present which is why my life has been deemed boring for them. Well, if issues are what they crave for, then I may let them comprehend to what this pandemonium is saying.

They call theirs issues, I call them hypocritical bullshit.

My life is entropy.

a short story i made almost 3 years ago

By the River

The riverside is Kian’s favorite hangout. After checking the sun setting at about 4:30 pm, he already proceeds to that place, there he would lie down for hours. It was barely his place for enormous ideas and soaring thoughts. At times he fantasizes of his school as an academy where people with special abilities study and train their skills, he would dream of controlling wind as his power. In serious instances, he simply thinks of his future plans, he hopes to be successful in his high school studies and he also wants to travel around the world after graduating in college. Yet most of Kian’s moments there have been shared with his one true friend, Iris.

Looking at the wide expanse of the sky, the two talk and laugh as the trees around them sway calmly. The river has always been their companion, listening to their childish but transparent conversations all the time. “I think the weather’s a bit bad today”, Kian breaking the silence between them. Iris quickly got up and said, “Yeah, you’re right. I should really be going home now”. “Let’s just ride a tricycle, it would be faster”, Kian suggested. “Okay Kian”, agreed Iris.

After locking the front door of his small house beside the river, Kian quickly accompanied Iris to the road. “Can you see any vehicle to carry me home?”, Iris asked looking alternately to her left and her right. “There are no tricycles passing by today, how strange”, Kian exclaimed. Iris added, “there’s not even a thing going to the direction of our house”. The two waited for minutes but there was none to ride on. “Is it okay for you if we will just walk?”, questioned Kian. “It would be fine if you’ll never leave me along the way”, Iris said jokingly. “Of course I’ll never do that! I’ll always be here for you Iris. Always”, Kian reacted. Iris quickly replied, “I’m just joking my very serious friend”. “Let’s just start walking before it starts raining”. The two held hands as they march forward blissfully. Their smiles were full of magic. Their care and comfort to each other unfold whenever they’re together.

They arrived at Iris’ house after a quite long walk. They approached the gate and stood in front of it for a moment. Oddly staring at each other, Kian gladly thanked Iris for her time and company, Iris in return held his hands tight and curtly kissed him on his left cheek. Iris ran inside afterwards.

Kian began to walk back home, he’s somewhat stun of what has happened to him a while ago but his heart and mind seem calm and contented for the day. He felt that everything appears to be in the right place. Smiling, he unexpectedly talked to himself and whispered, “I love you Iris”. Upon saying those words, he shook his head. “I can’t fall for her! She’s special to me but there’s nothing more on what she is to me”, he insisted these things to himself repeatedly as he walked faster.

Diverting his thoughts to other things, Kian suddenly remembered his relationship with Nadia, his girlfriend. She was his classmate in 2nd year high school where they started their story. They were happy together before but everything changed hastily last vacation. Because Kian had to move to another place at that time as advised by his parents, some factors that weakened their relationship were triggered. After Kian’s transfer, their communication became little and news about each other slowly vanished. Since then, their relationship went on a downhill. This thing has given Kian a lot of dilemma and misery, understanding him when he’s subjected to obstacles is hard but Iris manages to comprehend with his circumstances. As Kian would say, “Iris is the only one who can give me a full dose of tranquilizer without hurting me physically and emotionally, her concerned gazes stop me from getting crazy and calm me quickly as she puts my head on her shoulder”. Those moments with Iris were greatly treasured by Kian, however, Nadia still bothers him regarding their continuing yet poignant relationship. Kian’s still not free.

The temperature surrounding Kian abruptly dropped, he noticed it but he continued walking fast so that he could arrive home earlier. Before Kian can see his house in a closer distance, his cellular phone rang and he quickly answered the call for it may be an important one. “Hello? Who’s this?”. “It’s me, Nadia”. Kian stopped walking after he heard Nadia’s voice, he stroll to a waiting shed by him and decide to sit there because he figured out that it could be a long discussion.

“Still there?”, Nadia confirmed. “I’m here, what’s up? How are you?”, answered Kian. Nadia replied, “I’m fine. I just called because I miss you so much. Anyway, how are you there? You don’t text or call me anymore, is there any problem?”. Baffled of what to say, Kian continued talking unconsciously, “My situation is as same as yours, there’s no problem here. I like living in this place”. “Oh, if that’s the case, it really means that you don’t miss me even a bit. Fine for me”, Nadia uttered in a strange tone. Kian added, “By the way, I think your new friends are really good buddies. Even though I rarely spot you at our big university, I am reminded that you’re certainly contented with your friends because whenever I see you, you laugh so loud and you seem not to care about anything. With them, you appear to be really relaxed than being with me before”. “Do you mean anything from that statement?!”, Nadia lividly asked. Kian finally responded after a few seconds of pausing, “Well, what do you think?”. “I don’t know! You’re asking me for my opinion when you’re the one who has a problem”. “Since I am really the only one having problems, then I keep these things myself”. “Kian! What’s happening to you?! You’re starting to act the way you were before, didn’t we talk about keeping problems ourselves?! Please, what’s my fault this time, tell me”.

Kian sensed that it was the right moment to tell Nadia what he really feels, he started explicating, “I really don’t understand you Nadia. Considering the times that we have spent with each other before, I should know you in all aspects by now, however I feel that I don’t whenever we become distant to each other. In addition, because we have been apart for a long time now, I think that I don’t know you anymore. I don’t know your activities, your whereabouts, your real actions and behavior in school; most definitely, your factual feelings for me. All these things I don’t know.” Nadia was dazed of what she heard from his boyfriend, she can’t talk to him any longer. For Nadia to understand better, Kian elucidated further, “What I truly feel is perplexity. You always say you love me and that you actually want to make me feel that love, however it’s still not felt. I remember the times that you have done so many things to prove your love for me, you’ve seen me happy not because of those manifestations but because you were with me. Your incomplete presence has made me complete even for short instances. It was incomplete since the love wasn’t there. Still not there. Your love has been lost and missing from the start of this relationship, it was hardly hidden by my happiness of having you. That happiness blinded me”. Nadia was still silent from the other line. “You’re not really aware of what you feel for me Nadia, it’s not true love, it’s mainly likeness of having someone caring so much for you”, Kian finally finished speaking. Nadia then said, “I guess you’re right. Maybe all the things that you’ve said are true. Love’s really tricky, isn’t it Kian?!”. “I just hope you’re okay by now”, Kian replied. “I’m fine. I think we don’t have much things left to talk about, you’ve already recited a novel and that’s enough for me today. I’ll be going now Kian, maybe I won’t be calling you anymore after this one. Thanks for everything”, Nadia ended her call.

Kian sat still at the waiting shed for a few minutes before deciding to continue his walk home, he never thought that explaining those things to Nadia would make her choose to end their relationship so fast. To clear his mind about what has happened, he just concluded that Nadia never really loved him truly for she seems to view love differently and separately from its true essence. Kian stood up and took a deep breath, then he closed his eyes to relax himself before walking again.

Opening his eyes, a gray van stopped right in front of him; he then waited for someone to get out because he was eager to know what was its intention in stopping at his very face. After a split second, the door at the side of the van slid open and two men came in front of Kian. He in that case stared at them anxiously. Before Kian can ask a question, one of them positioned a gun at the center of his forehead. Sweat rolled from his temple down to the side of his neck as he looked at the finger touching the gun’s trigger. The other guy finally put in plain words what was the situation really about, “To avoid anything bad happening, just give us your cellphone and wallet. Quickly!”. Kian inserted his hands in his two pockets; after finding what he’s looking for, he hurriedly gave the two guys his valuables. Unfortunately, the men were still not satisfied having his cellphone and wallet; for the second time, they asked for another thing which was more significant to him than what he has already given them. The man holding the gun looked at the bracelet which he was wearing, he grinned for he was assured that it was made of pure gold and his companion instantly snatched it. Kian stared at the men fumingly, he quickly got hold of the gun and kicked one of the man’s vital points. The other guy tried to stop him but he failed since Kian was now the one pointing the gun at him. “Give me back my bracelet. I can give you all my treasures without complaining excluding that. You took away a part of me!”, he declared with a heated and loud voice.

As the situation intensifies, Kian made himself ready to pull the trigger anytime for his bracelet is more important for him than these men’s lives. He gave his final warning, “Give me my bracelet….or else”. As a final point, the man decided to return the bracelet back because he knew that the boy who they were facing already evolved into a demon with eyes sharp and blazing. Kian received it with a contented and secured look. He then said, “Just take my cellphone and wallet, they’re yours”. He turned back at them and took the gun with him so that he can dispose it into the river after he arrived home.

Walking like nothing happened, Kian heard the van running towards his track; nonetheless, he didn’t mind the vehicle for he concluded that the robbers were already satisfied of what they got and that he already proved them that he and his bracelet can never be taken apart. When the van passed by him, Kian only looked straight to the direction he was going. Few seconds went by, he finally glanced at the back of the moving vehicle, however, he was distracted by another man riding in it and holding something pointed at him. Instantly, he heard an alarming blast and he realized that that thing was a gun. Kian fell on his back with blood interspersing everywhere. He lay numb on the road. He can’t move his right arm for his right shoulder was the one hit. The gun that he was holding before with his right hand is nowhere to be found. He can’t fight back for he’s helpless and there’s no one left to clash with. Kian can’t anymore think of anything sensible to do. He held the bracelet tight with his left hand and put it on top of his chest. As air becomes shorter and shorter, he whispered to himself, “I will die holding you firm and close to my heart Iris”. Kian closed his eyes and let God decide his fate.

After two days of being in a critical state, Kian was taken out of the hospital. Iris prepared his things and accompanied him home. She incredibly managed the stressful situation she’d gone through from the day her bestfriend was shot. She will just have to wait for him to wake up in a few hours as expected.

Slowly opening his eyes, Kian saw the river moving swift. The wind was gentle and cool while the sun’s radiance added more beauty to the surroundings. Seeing all these familiar sights, he already became aware that he’s lying outside his own house. He then asked himself of the things left bothering his mind, “What really happened to me after that shot? Did someone take care of me? How many days did I recuperate? Who brought me here?”. Getting up to answer all of these questions, Kian felt the pain beneath the bandages and plaster covering the whole of his right arm. He lay down again. By this time, he realizes that his condition is still bad and he really needs someone to assist him in simply getting up.

The solution to Kian’s need instantly appears in front of him. Her eyes are teary while she stares at him blissfully. She was waiting for this very moment. She was praying for him to get well fast. She was giving her best care to him the last two days. Finally, her face looks relaxed and unworried. Iris’ heart is now full of gaiety seeing Kian awake. She helps him get up. She sits beside him. The two hug each other and feel complete. Their love better felt by the river.